Couples Therapy

Is your relationship crumbling around you?

Maybe you don’t understand each other anymore. Is it possible that you never really did?

Who are you?
Who is your partner?
What are you even doing together?

You feel disconnected from your partner, but you feel unsure of yourself worse than that. It’s like you’ve lost your own identity somewhere along the way. There’s a strange, untethered, yet crushing feeling about it that’s hard to describe.

It’s lonely now. You feel isolated even when you’re in the same room with your partner, like you are talking over each other, around each other, or just simply not to each other. You may have stopped trying to reach out to connect because you’ve been swatted away so many times before.

Overwhelmed, stressed, and exhausted… is this the relationship you want?

You come home after working all day only to walk into an attack or criticism by your partner. You’re hit with a barrage of the multiple things you’ve messed up or forgotten about today. Maybe you’re late getting home from work and told that this must mean you don’t care about your partner. Or you hear that you’re lazy because you still haven’t been able to finish that home project. It feels like you’re walking on eggshells, trying to escape the next shoe drop.

Every conversation is so serious and ends up turning into a fight. And the quarrels always end up the same way: You try to relieve the tension by stepping back, but that doesn’t work. Or you try to make your points and be understood but end up feeling frustrated and saying things you don’t really mean.

Communicating calmly and having fun together are short-lived experiences. You set aside time to take the kids somewhere and have a great day together. You laugh and smile, but then later that same day, something turns it all around. You’re back to disagreeing about something else again. The ease and connection disappear just as fast as it came.

You probably started as a team.

It felt as though it could conquer the world, but now it seems like you’re separated and living parallel lives.

You’re more like roommates than teammates. Your conversations are brief, practical, simple conveyances of necessary information; they lack tenderness, excitement, and warmth.

Each day is filled with all the little things that must get done: diaper changing, grocery shopping, bill paying, children shuttling, home repairing… and there’s never any space for intimacy or adventure. The years have gone by like this until one day, you looked up and didn’t recognize your partner (or yourself) anymore.

What happened to laughter, joy, and having fun?

What happened to that sensation of being in-sync with each other?

What would it take to feel truly understood and appreciated?

You might still care deeply about your partner…

You remember that you chose this person, and there used to be an ease and a joy in that decision. But, if you’re honest with yourself, it doesn’t feel like that anymore. It’s not the same now: It’s hard and painful, and you can feel the distance between you and your partner growing wider.

You also remember that you made vows… for better or for worse… and those vows matter to you. You demand a great deal of yourself and others – you believe in loyalty and integrity – and you’re not afraid of a little hard work. You feel determined to hold to the promises that you made to yourself and your partner, even while it feels like your relationship is crumbling around you.

It’s important to you it doesn’t end here.

You know things are not working right now, but you love your partner and want it to be different. You may have already tried unsuccessfully to reconnect and are feeling frustrated and desperate… or even a little hopeless.

You’ve read relationship help books, giving each other more space, and scheduling more date nights, but nothing seems to work for long. Instead, the distance between you seems to be growing… no matter what you do.

We don’t expect our cars to last for 20 or 30 years without a tune-up…

So why do we expect it of our marriages?

You and your partner are completely different people, from completely different families, with your own unique and wonderful beliefs and ways of seeing the world. You fell in love because you differ from each other in some ways.

You started intending to build something together and creating shared meaning in your relationship.

Over time, perhaps you have lost touch with each other and forgotten how to connect with interest and curiosity about your differences. You both have changed (that’s no surprise), but you overlooked the importance of staying connected through those changes along the way.

Couples therapy is a way for you to see each other differently.

Couples therapy is intended for committed couples who notice that their relationship isn’t what they want it to be and are ready to address the underlying issues that are in their way. I will help you slow down and think about your relationship in a straightforward, intentional way. I will help you find your story, value your strengths, and confront your challenges.

No relationship is perfect. If you married someone else, you would simply deal with a different set of challenges.

I use Gottman Method Couples Therapy in my work with couples.

This method, created by Doctors John and Julie Gottman, is based on decades of research into the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships. It’s customizable to address the challenges of your particular relationship.

One of my favorite things about using the Gottman Method Couples Therapy is the comprehensive assessment process as a practical and direct person. Instead of diving in immediately after making a snap judgment and potentially going off in the wrong direction, I spend significant time upfront gathering data about you and your partner as individuals and about your relationship.

Getting this information right at the outset allows me to give you individualized feedback about your relationship’s challenges and strengths and the things you are doing well. Staying grounded in scientific research, we can then collaborate on a personalized treatment plan that focuses on your particular relationship needs and goals.

Each couple I meet has a unique relationship story…

… that has shaped their experience of themselves and each other.

And each couple’s story has layers of meaning that, once exposed, provide entirely new insights and understandings about each person’s heart and identity.

For Stephanie and John, we started by focusing on their friendship, strengthening their connection with each other, and building up their small, daily interactions. As the Gottmans say, “It’s the small, positive things done often that make the difference and, over time, can create big changes.”

We’ll also emphasize Stephanie and John’s strengths, including their commitment to each other and how they have remained an effective team even through enormously tough challenges like losing a child, active military duty, and extreme career change. Just shifting your perspective about your partner to one of being gracious and giving reasonable, deserved credit can help improve your relationship.

It is tough to move through life together, and it is a testament to your strength that you have made it this far.

We’ll also explore and uncover your deepest dreams and beliefs beneath your small quibbles and blow-up fights.

Conflict is normal and even healthy in an intimate relationship, but all kinds of things can prevent that conflict from understanding and growing with your partner. Maybe you grew up in a home where your parents yelled and threw things at each other. Or perhaps your parents never argued at all, keeping any possible disagreements completely behind closed doors. Maybe you feel attacked by your partner and withdraw to find peace, hoping things will blow over and not get any worse.

Understanding each other’s deepest dreams and beliefs can help you become more effective at problem-solving and compromising in your relationships because it’s next to impossible to find a successful solution to a problem you don’t actually understand.

According to the Gottmans, some of the most significant predictors of divorce can come up during destructive conflict.

You may notice that as arguments between you and your partner escalate, one or both of you describes the other’s personality flaws and attacks each other’s character.

“You never listen to me…” “You’re not the man I married…” “You’re cold and selfish…”

Trying to reconnect after saying hurtful things like this to each other gets more challenging and harder the more times this vicious cycle happens. When this happens, it’s usually not because couples are trying to hurt each other. Instead, each person is turning to a different individual strategy of handling uncomfortable, emotionally threatening situations.