Divorce Issues
When you try to avoid the pain, it creates greater pain.”
– Jennifer Aniston
How do you know if it’s time?
These are the top reasons why couples divorce…
Infidelity
You can’t stop thinking about it. You want to move on, but your anger simmers just beneath the surface. When their phone beeps, they’re running late again, or they make an otherwise neutral comment, it sets you off and throws you down the rabbit hole of doubt, frustration, and fear. You don’t know how to fix this, or even if it can be fixed.
You might have just discovered that your partner was unfaithful. And, although you are furious, you love them and are terrified that this is the end. Or, maybe you are the unfaithful one, and you’re overwhelmed with guilt, embarrassment, and shame. But you’re desperate to reverse course and reconnect with your partner.
When relationships experience infidelity, it demolishes trust and often shatters commitment. It’s immensely painful, brings up many individual insecurities, and frequently leads couples to separate and divorce.
The thing is, infidelity rarely happens in a vacuum. Often, the involved partner feels just as ignored, unappreciated, unloved, and insecure as the hurt partner, while the hurt partner might experience symptoms that look a lot like PTSD – intrusive thoughts, insomnia, nightmares, and unpredictable mood swings.
Healing from infidelity is difficult but possible. It requires both partners to slow down, listen to each other, and take responsibility for making changes in their relationship. Relationships can heal and become even stronger after infidelity if both partners will put in the work to rebuild, hoping to create a healthier relationship that looks completely different than the one before.
Growing Apart/Lack of Communication
Life happens, as they say… and they are right. You have so many obligations and responsibilities that take up your time. Maybe it’s work, kids, extracurriculars, bills, aging parents, or never-ending housework… or perhaps it’s all the above!
You started as a team, but you may have stopped checking in with each other. When that happens, you can lose touch with each other and the things about each other with which you initially fell in love. In time, you might look at your partner and can’t even recognize them for the person with whom you locked eyes on your wedding day.
Repeated missed connections and small moments of detachment eventually lead to large swaths of space between partners. This distance feels so great and insurmountable, inevitable, and permanent that couples often decide that separation or divorce makes the most sense.
You might think that you’re already so emotionally separated and distant that you might as well make it official. While you might be right and believe that there is no option left but to throw in the towel and go your own way, you might also consider that repeated small and positive efforts can lead to big, healing changes. The same gradual process that has pulled you apart can be the mechanism that drives you back to each other. The chasm between you could be bridged by safely exploring how you can communicate differently.
Conflict
Every time you try to talk, it turns into a fight. You avoid bringing things up because you end up feeling hurt and more isolated every time you do. It’s as though there’s never any compromise. You’re each entrenched in your own positions, holding up shields and spears pointed at each other like enemies.
You feel enraged, out of control, and completely exhausted; and your relationship feels unsafe when conflict escalates. You each trigger the other into yelling, crying, bringing up the past, and saying hurtful things from which you can’t come back. It makes sense that you just want the hurting to stop.
When couples get stuck in repeated cycles of damaging communication during disagreements, the friendship, trust, and openness they once had breaks down. Over time, how you feel about each other changes from loving, respectful, and admiring to only seeing the frustration, contempt, and pain. Compromise can only be successful when partners can talk openly and listen to each other, but no one can listen and communicate calmly when they feel unsafe.
Disagreements in relationships are normal, but the way you and your partner discuss the things you disagree about really matters. Conflict can escalate to being extremely dangerous and abusive. It is important to know what that looks like and prioritize your safety, getting some perspective on how conflict actually operates in your relationship. The difference between damaging and abusive is crucial. If you and your partner are experiencing conflict that feels emotionally painful and out of control, it’s time to tackle that before it gets worse and ultimately unsalvageable.
It’s rough, emotional, and messy… no matter what.
Divorce is tough for everyone who goes through it – whether you’re the one who wants the divorce or the one who is fighting tooth and nail to prevent it.
After about ten years working as a paralegal for a family law firm specializing in divorce, I have worked with and supported countless people at many points in the stages of divorce. I have seen the legal side and know how it works because I was in it, and I was the one sorting and drafting documents associated with clients’ divorce cases.
I’ve worked on divorces where both partners are full of unprocessed anger, sadness, and abandonment, which they then weaponize through their legal tactics (while driving up conflict, negative emotions, and fees), and then ultimately being more disappointed because no one ever actually wins in a divorce.
I’ve worked on divorces where partners vacillate back and forth about their relationship because, even though the marriage is definitely not working, there is still some love there. Sometimes the partners file for divorce, then non-suit or dismiss their case, only to re-file a few months later (sometimes more than once). These divorces can stall out or crumble slowly through frequent renegotiations, taking years to complete and leaving everyone involved in a state of limbo.
I’ve worked on divorces with alcoholics, narcissists, physical and emotional abusers, stalkers, hoarders, and substance abusers.
I’ve worked on divorces with stay-at-home parents, high-powered professionals, grandparents, and young college students.
I’ve worked on divorces where parents use their children as pawns in their schemes to hurt each other.
I’ve worked on divorces where one parent goes to the greatest lengths to be patient, compassionate, generous, and protective of both their children and their ex.
I’ve even worked on divorces where everyone gets along. The partners are mature and reasonable; they treat each other with respect, and they find creative solutions for their family moving forward.
Many couples who begin the divorce process are unprepared.
They’re not on the same page and are not ready for the life-shaping decisions and emotional rollercoaster that divorce often brings. You’re about to have to put a dollar value on everything you own and figure out a way to divide time with your children.
You might have to get a job after being out of the workforce for years. You might have to sell your dream home and move into an apartment. You might experience sticker-shock after you meet with your first divorce attorney. These realities are intense and laced with emotion.
Your spouse’s attorney might send you a proposed settlement offer that suggests your spouse receive an asset you know your spouse knew you wanted to keep, which feels like just one more betrayal.
The first night your spouse has your children (and you don’t) might feel more lonely than you think you can bear, causing you to doubt your decision and question your identity.
Suppose your divorce drags on through completing inventories and accounting and negotiating settlements. In that case, new dating partners might get introduced, triggering feelings of jealousy, attraction, and anger that are confusing and volatile.
Your fury over being cheated on, betrayed, and abandoned might motivate you to punish your spouse – to make sure they are held accountable and have to answer for what they have done. Using the legal system to do this might mean extensive discovery, witnesses, expensive experts, and a long trial during which you seek to make them pay for hurting you, your children, and your dreams.
What family attorneys and the experts say about being unprepared…
It can cause marriages to end prematurely and/or divorces to deteriorate into competitive, expensive contests.
How much time and energy have you spent on the decision to get a divorce?
Is this a sincere decision based on self-awareness, or is it an emotionally reactive decision?
Do you still have feelings for your spouse (even a little bit)?
Do you have a straightforward answer to why you are getting a divorce?
Do you understand your role in what happened?
Can you handle the unpleasant consequences of divorce?
If you don’t feel confident about the answers to these questions and instead feel a little squirmy as you read them, there may be some unprocessed emotions.
Those unprocessed emotions – fear, anger, despair, emptiness, confusion, fury, grief – WILL come out as you go through your divorce. They will come out when your attorney is spelling out the facts to you, when your accountant asks for more documents, and when your children complain about all of the changes that are happening.
When you are unprepared for all of this, you might make decisions that you later regret.
You might spend a lot of time and money trying to keep the house, only to find out years later that you can’t actually afford it, and you’ve spent thousands of dollars on a mortgage to the detriment of your retirement savings. Or you could walk away from the house, thinking you don’t even care about it or anything still in it, and later realize that you left all of your family heirlooms and special keepsakes from your grandparents behind.
You might agree to a disjointed and confusing possession schedule for your kids, thinking that it’s “fair,” and later notice how challenging the frequent exchanges end up being for you.
Or, you might settle for being locked into a grossly decreased amount of child support to placate your ex.
You may end up making trades in financial investments that don’t actually make sense or relinquish claims that you could have made.
Taking the time upfront to prepare and process what is happening in your marriage emotionally can save you money in the long run, even if divorce is the right decision for you.
I can help you through any and all stages of the divorce process.
And believe me, divorce is a process with lots of stages, and each stage is a process, like…
Deciding on divorce…
Considering whether this is the right thing to do…
Accepting your partner’s decision…
Processing during divorce…
Moving through legal and emotional upheavals…
Living in a state of limbo…
Making consequential financial decisions…
Healing after divorce…
Accepting your partner’s moving on with someone else…
Understanding your role in the breakdown of your relationship…
Discovering your own life goals and purpose…
A lot is going on emotionally during all these stages. Wherever you are in the process, I am here to help and support you.
If you’re deciding on divorce…
I work with couples and individuals who are still trying to decide if divorce is the right move for them. You might consider…
Discernment Counseling
This is a great option and was developed for couples where one partner is seriously considering divorce but still isn’t 100% sure and is leaning toward saving the relationship. If this sounds like you and your spouse, please review my page on discernment counseling or contact me for a free 20-minute phone consultation to hear more about it.
Individual Therapy
This is also suitable when you’re considering divorce but want to talk through this decision before you commit to it. You are struggling in your relationship. It’s not working, and you are not happy, but you also worry about moving forward with divorce and are afraid of what might happen if you do. Together, we can constructively explore those worries and fears, considering the pros and cons of the decision in front of you and developing a sense of certainty in your next steps.
Divorce Prep Workshop
This is specifically designed for people at any stage of the divorce process but is most helpful for those considering divorce but haven’t actually started the legal process yet. In this workshop, we walk through what you can expect from the divorce process and focus on the emotional challenges you are facing now… and what you might expect to face in the future.
If you’re in the middle of a divorce…
I work with individuals who are experiencing challenges during their legal divorce. You might consider…
Individual Therapy
This is a completely safe space for you to express and explore all the back-and-forth, messy, confusing feelings and thoughts you are experiencing right now. Unfortunately, divorce can bring out the worst in people, and that is really tough to deal with while you also have to make big decisions about your home, finances, and children.
Divorce Prep Workshop
This can help you refocus and find balance during your divorce by providing you with lots of information. For me, the more I know, the better prepared I feel. If you’re the same way, this workshop is designed for you. You’ll leave understanding your priorities and feeling more confident in your next steps.
If you’re recovering after a divorce…
I also work with individuals whose divorce is coming to a close or already finalized as they navigate their new life. You might consider…
Individual Therapy
This is an ideal option if you have realized that, even though your marriage is officially over and the dust is settling, you are still unsure how or why this all happened. You want to understand your own role in the breakdown of your relationship, so you can avoid doing the same things in a future relationship. You want to move through the residual emotional mess and toward a place where you can imagine your future with hope, excitement, and confidence.
Divorce Recovery Support Group
This is designed specifically for people who have experienced divorce – whether it was just finalized today or happened years ago – and are struggling with fully embracing their lives after divorce. Together, we explore the stages of divorce, how to acknowledge and process everything that you experienced, how to strengthen yourself now, and how to build enthusiasm and optimism about your future.
Here’s the knowledge and skills you’ll need (and learn) to get through this…
How to have clarity and confidence in your decision to divorce…
We will slow down and help you think about both sides of your situation, increase your awareness in the likely next steps, and be sure that your decision is steady instead of emotionally reactive.
Preparation tips for the divorce process itself…
You will find out what to consider when choosing an attorney and other experts you might consult.
How to talk with your children about divorce…
This includes the ideal way to break the news to them, warning signs that they might need more help to process events, and the effects of parental alienation.
Common emotional and communication issues encountered during divorce and how to manage them…
Learn how to communicate through difficult topics or with a hostile spouse.
Effective stress management and coping skills…
You will create a personalized toolbox of ways to take care of yourself throughout this process, starting with cultivating patience and facing the fear of asking for help.
How to heal after a divorce, including considering your own life goals and purpose…
Divorce is both a loss and a new beginning. Together, we will delve into the dreams you had for yourself that got put on hold or pushed aside during your marriage, and we will explore how you can reconnect now with at least some small part of those aspirations.
Don’t continue down the path to divorce unprepared.
Are you ready to learn about what to expect during a divorce, feel confident in your decisions, and enter one of the most emotionally cataclysmic experiences of your life armed with information and the knowledge that YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS?
My Divorce Prep Workshop is jam-packed with more information than you could normally get in one sitting, and it’s endorsed by local divorce attorneys who know that being and FEELING prepared ahead of a divorce is the smartest, most cost-saving decision you can make for yourself now.
So, whether you’re considering a divorce or separation from your spouse but haven’t decided; in the middle of a divorce and feel overwhelmed, blindsided, or frustrated; have discovered infidelity in your marriage and don’t know what to do next; concerned about the effects of divorce on your children; or a family law attorney or legal assistant interested in the emotional and mental health aspects of divorce…
Consider this online, intimate, small-group setting for your needs!
If you have questions about or want to sign up for my Divorce Prep Workshop, call me at for a free 10-minute phone conversation: (830) 215-8923.