Discernment Counseling

You’re torn.

The overwhelming urgency and pressure to decide – to make the right decision – is crushing you. Your life, well-being, and sanity hang in the balance while you consider what to do next.

On the one hand…

…divorce feels like a failure, a judgment from others, or even shame. You worry about the effects on your family and already know that it will probably be one of the most expensive things you ever do.

But…

…you are suffocating, drowning, unable to be yourself in your marriage. It feels like you have nothing left to give.

This moment is hard, and you worry that no matter what you choose to do, you’ll lose.

Is it time to mend it… or end it??

Nearly everyone enters marriage with the dream of a lifelong union, but many couples reach a crisis point where divorce is on the table. Often, one partner wants to save the marriage, but the other partner is unsure. Sometimes, divorce looks like the only option, the only way to end the cycle of hopelessness and frustration. Sometimes, both partners feel torn about what to do next!

As soon as the “D” word – Divorce – leapt out of your mouth, ambivalence crept in.

You don’t dare say it out loud, but you really wonder if this is the right path for your family… for you. Some days you think that maybe your marriage could be saved if your spouse were to make major changes. Other days you can’t even stand to look at your spouse, and you think that divorce is the only way to get your sanity, equilibrium, and self back.

And yet, that back and forth, that gnawing doubt and uncertainty won’t quit – what does it mean?

You might be desperate to save your marriage – you’ll do anything.

You may have just realized that your spouse was serious when they dropped the “D” word, and now the emergency lights are flashing in your head. You can’t imagine your life without them. It’s all slipping away, and you don’t know what to do. You might have already suggested marriage counseling, but your spouse isn’t interested.

It feels like your marriage, your spouse, your family are all slipping away from you, and no matter what you do to keep your grip, it’s all just happening so fast. Where do you go from here?

Once the whirlwind of the legal divorce process sweeps you up…

… all hope for the marriage or a constructive divorce may be gone.

Maybe your alienation and conflict are escalating because of the adversarial nature of the court system…

Maybe you’re already noticing your children tugged in two directions and that their best interests are getting lost in the shuffle…

Maybe you’re experiencing an emotional roller coaster of feelings and thoughts from “I’ve never been so ready to be done with this marriage” to “I miss our family the way it once was…”

Maybe you’re noticing that you’re spending hours and hours tracking down documents, reviewing statements, and debating numbers while nothing seems to get resolved…

When these things happen, you may also find you are spending way more money than you would like on attorneys and experts to settle and complete this.

For whom is discernment counseling useful?

Discernment counseling is for people who are considering divorce but are not completely sure if it’s the right path for them. They want to take one more look before making a permanent decision with long-term consequences. It’s for people who want to give their marriage another chance even though their spouse is moving toward divorce. It’s even useful for couples who have already started the legal divorce process but are still finding themselves on an emotional roller coaster of uncertainty.

If you are interested in discernment counseling, but your spouse is not interested, I can still help. Give me a call, and we can talk about it.

On the other hand, discernment counseling is NOT suitable when:

• One spouse has made a final decision to divorce and wants counseling to encourage the other spouse to accept that decision
• There is a danger of domestic violence
• There is an Order of Protection from the court
• One spouse is coercing the other to take part

Discernment counseling is short-term work…

We will only meet for between one and five sessions. The sessions are divided between conversations with the couple together and individual conversations with each spouse.

In our sessions, I will respect each individual’s reasons for divorce while also trying to open the possibility of restoring the marriage to health. I will also emphasize the importance of each seeing their contributions to the problems and the possible solutions. This will be useful in future relationships, even if this one ends.

Each session is usually two hours long, and fees for discernment counseling are $230 per session. Because each session stands alone and you are not committing to more than one session at a time, discernment counseling can cost anywhere from $230 (only one session) to $1,150 (five sessions).

In contrast, a basic agreed and uncontested divorce will probably cost at least $2,500, while a highly contested, litigated divorce can cost well over $100,000. Even if you decide to get a divorce, if discernment counseling can help you and your spouse transition into a less contested divorce than you would have otherwise had, that $1,150 spent with me can save you much more than that overall.